Marni Jameson: 7 ways to end porch pollution

Treat your porch or patio as if it were an extension of your indoor space. The same rules apply: Keep it clean, uncluttered, useful and inviting. (Courtesy Marni Jameson)

By Marni Jameson | Syndicated Columnist

PUBLISHED: November 3, 2023 at 4:30 a.m. | UPDATED: November 3, 2023 at 4:31 a.m.

Today’s column is a public service for all those who live near neighbors who treat their porches and patios like storage units, sheds, or way stations. (Warning: You might be that neighbor.) It is a plea on behalf of those sick of looking at porches and patios cluttered with rusty tricycles, dilapidated dog houses, step ladders, plastic slides, last year’s Christmas lights and every faded tchotchke that didn’t quite make it to the garbage bin but should have.

These reluctant onlookers unite in their cry to End Porch Pollution! We don’t care how you treat the inside of your home. (Well, I kind of do.) We have to look at the outside, and we’re asking you to clean up.

(If this article happens to find its way into the mailbox of such a home, I won’t say a word about who put it there.)

The idea for today’s missive came to me a few weeks ago from a fed-up reader who wrote:

Marni, You once wrote an article about how to decorate your porch. How about an article on how to undecorate your porch? Honestly, it has gotten out of hand. In my neighborhood, porches are “decorated” with signs, chairs, tables, lamps, stools, end tables, pillows, rugs, plants, planters, wreaths, string lights, mini refrigerators, lawn statues, fake trees, wicker deer, swings, hammocks and more, sometimes all on one porch! Can you please tell your readers to throw away half of what they have on their porches, then stand back and take a good look, and throw away half of what is still left? Thanks, Marlene

So, Marlene, how do you really feel? I kid, but her email makes a good point. We talk a lot in this column about decluttering the inside of our homes, but we shouldn’t ignore the rooms outside. In fact, decluttering and thoughtfully furnishing our porches and patios may be more important because so many more people see them. If your indoors are a cluttered mess, at least you can pull the blinds.

Marni Jameson: Helping with housing one family at a time

“The way you treat your backyard should be no different from how you treat your living room,” said Tony Evans, an Orlando-based landscape designer. “Don’t junk it up.” That is, don’t put the wicker settee next to a leaky wheelbarrow and a bag of manure.

Editing is essential when creating an outdoor space that not only looks good to others but also makes you want to be there, he added. Ideally, your outdoor space should look like an extension of your interior.

New York architect Jimmy Crisp, author of “On the Porch” (Taunton Press), echoes that sentiment: “A look around many neighborhoods across America suggests that people should be a little more conscientious about what they put on their porches. Many miss the opportunity to use their porches to connect with friends and talk to neighbors because these areas are so uninviting.”

In other words, if people aren’t stopping by because you have a kiddie toilet and a plastic garden gnome on your porch, you might be a redneck.

Rightsizing secret: A little bit of great beats a lot of mediocre

Here’s how Evans and Crisp suggest you cut porch and patio pollution and do yourselves and your neighbors a favor:

Don’t use it as storage. Resist the urge to use your porch or patio as a substitute for your garage, shed or basement. Just because it doesn’t belong in the house doesn’t mean it belongs on the patio, Evans said.
Start with good basics. Hit pause before you buy four flimsy chairs. Because outdoor furniture has to withstand the elements, which is almost as hard on furniture as toddlers and teens, make it bombproof. “Splurge on your porch furniture the same way you would on furniture for your favorite room in the house,” Crisp said. “When I bought my outdoor furniture, I was shocked by the cost, but I invested, and it has lasted 20 years. As a result, we spend a huge amount of time outdoors.”
Put comfort first. Because no one wants to kick back and relax in a hard plastic chair, choose comfortable soft seating that makes you want to stay a while. Add a coffee or dining table and maybe an end table or two to set a beverage and a book on. If you have the room, add a rocker or a swinging bench. Don’t over-furnish. Let space be your guide.
Apply indoor decluttering advice outdoors, too. Edit, edit, edit. We all tend to add but not subtract. Constantly critique your outdoor space. Try to see it as others do. If it looks too busy or over-furnished, pare it back.
Keep your politics inside. If Crisp had his way, he would ban political yard signs. “They are a real peeve of mine,” he said. “You see opposing views right next door to each other. It’s like an argument that never ends.”
Make cleaning easy. Dirt is a constant outside. The less you have on your porch, the easier it is to clean. Because the trees in Crisp’s yard drop leaves, seeds, pollen and debris on his porch all year, he keeps a hose and a battery-powered leaf blower handy to clean off the decking and seat cushions. “Having a lot of small trinkets around would make that more difficult.”
Accessorize with purpose. Reduce the clutter on your porch or patio by embellishing it only with items you will use. Beyond live plants, which do belong, accessorize with only functional items. In my outdoor sitting area, I keep a pair of glass lanterns on the table, which hold candles that I light every time we dine outside. Other useful décor may include a stack of firewood, a bench with built-in storage for throws, a heat lamp, or a mister. But think twice before you set out that fake tree or wicker deer.