Dear Amy: My husband’s niece is getting married. I’m so happy for her.
There has been much talk about the wedding, with several wedding-related conversations in the presence of my 12-year-old daughter. In front of the family, I told my daughter that we could get her a beautiful dress to wear to the wedding. We then bought a dress.
Then the wedding invitation arrived in the mail: No children allowed!
I was completely devastated – to say the least.
Then, I found out that there are children attending the wedding, but they have to be over the age of 15.
My daughter was really upset when I told her that she wasn’t invited to the wedding. I feel that the family should have taken me aside in advance to let me know she was excluded.
I declined going to the wedding due to my daughter’s disappointment.
My husband plans to attend the wedding without me. He said that he is going because his mother would be upset if he stayed home.
I am angry, hurt and upset that he has chosen his family over his daughter.
My question is, am I wrong for feeling this way?
– Angry and Hurt
Dear Angry: I won’t say that your feelings are “wrong” so much as overabundant.
So. Much. Devastation.
Mom – get a grip!
Let’s put your feelings aside and focus on your behavior, as well as the lessons you are passing along to your daughter.
Essentially, you are teaching her that disappointment is actually devastation, and the way to cope with devastation is to insist that everyone around you must demonstrate their solidarity by also being devastated. Then everybody stays home, sulking.
Yes, the bride could have handled this differently.
But the good news to pass along to your daughter is that she won’t always be 12. She will age out of these social exclusions and mature enough to handle her disappointments with a sense of balance.
And now … will you?
Dear Amy: For the past 10 years, my husband, adult son and I have hosted Thanksgiving dinner.
My parents are divorced, and in recent years we have invited my step-siblings and their families, which adds a possible 14 guests to our feast. We love them and want our kids to have good holiday memories.
The problem is that several of them don’t RSVP until just before/on Thanksgiving Day (and when they do, the answer is always “no”) after we have prepared food for them all. The last event they were invited to (our son’s birthday), those that don’t attend Thanksgiving didn’t even bother RSVP-ing.
I am considering not even inviting them this year since A) they never come and B) they stress us out with their last-minute “no.”
Also, the two families that don’t show up at our events never invite us to any of their events, so I assume that our desire to be closer is not mutual.
Should we keep inviting them, or take the hint that they aren’t really interested?
– Tired of Guessing, Stressing and Overspending
Dear Tired: I think you should invite these family members this year, and assume that – as usual – they will not accept.
Contact them the week before Thanksgiving to follow-up, saying something like, “I’m assuming that we won’t see you for Thanksgiving this year, but I just wanted to follow through on our invitation. We’d love to see you, so please let us know today if you can make it.”
If by some unlikely Thanksgiving miracle they do accept your invitation this year, ask these family members to contribute one of their favorite dishes to your feast. This may give them more of a stake in the outcome.
After this year, if they don’t show, understand that these stepsiblings are not interested in sharing celebratory events with you, and taper off your invitations and hospitality.
Given that you are related through divorce, your stepsiblings might feel obligated to spend Thanksgiving with their “other” parent or in-laws, but this does not excuse their rudeness in not letting you know.
Dear Amy: “Feels Betrayed” had to skip a planned cruise after receiving a cancer diagnosis. In addition to the awkward situation with their cruising buddy, this person also lost out on a substantial deposit.
I urge people to consider purchasing travel insurance, along with their cruising ticket. Insurance helped me to recover my deposit when I had to cancel due to COVID.
– Recovered
Dear Recovered: An excellent suggestion. Thank you.
You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
