I was unknowingly battling its symptoms of depression and anxiety before being diagnosed. I had no idea what was happening to me. I had no mental health struggles my whole life (I’m 45) until this medical condition changed my behavior considerably.

My wife of almost 20 years left me before I was diagnosed.

After diagnosis, doctors were able to stop the blood loss. The anemia and its symptoms went away, and I returned to my normal self.

I was sure my wife would reconcile with our family after my diagnosis, but instead she said I was using the illness as an excuse for my behavior. She does not understand it was the cause.

She doesn’t understand these symptoms went away once the illness was successfully treated and believes I am permanently mentally ill.

She believes the illness brought out my true personality, when that is not true at all. What happened was a complete accident.

My wife and family are my whole life. We have a 4-year-old daughter who I am a great father to. I never would have gotten this medical condition on purpose.

My wife is throwing away our family and is trying to take me away from our daughter because I had a curable illness, which I no longer have.

How can I save my family from this tragedy?

– Heartbroken Husband

Dear Heartbroken: I understand that depression and anxiety are possible side effects of anemia, but you don’t note precisely what considerable changes in your behavior emerged during your illness. If this change in your behavior had a significant and direct impact on your wife and child, then it is important for you to acknowledge and own any specific episodes that might have been alarming or harmful to them.

This falls under the “sickness and health” portion of the marriage contract, and your wife obviously does not have the fortitude to stick it out.

You should find a couples therapist as soon as possible, in order to discuss this in a calm and controlled environment, with someone who could help you two to communicate your concerns.

Sadly, people leave marriages for all sorts of reasons – and sometimes for seemingly no reason at all, despite the life-altering disruption to the lives of children.

Once a spouse has decided to leave, there is not always a clear path toward saving a marriage, and if your marriage is ending, therapy (and the advice of a good attorney) could further help you to accept this, and to clarify your own choices moving forward.

Dear Amy: My husband and I have a friend in her early 70s whose husband is in his early 80s.

He has dementia and will need a care facility soon. He knows that.

She wants to stay in their home after he moves, but we believe this would be a mistake.

Should we share with her other options?

How should we proceed?

– Concerned

Dear Concerned: You don’t note why you think it would be a mistake for your friend to stay in her home after her husband moves. If she is healthy, a person in her early 70s likely can enjoy many years of independent living before making her own move.

In my opinion, staying in her home could be the very best thing for her to do – for now. If her husband moves, being in her home during the period of his decline could provide the sense of stability she needs.

If she asks for assistance or advice to review her housing options, you could be very helpful by researching local places and offering to tour them with her. Even if she decides not to move right away, being aware of her options will help her to make the decision later.

When I was hosting one Thanksgiving feast, my mother decided to have everyone around the table take a letter from T-H-A-N-K-S-G-I-V-I-N-G and say what they were thankful for.

My elderly father got the S and he could think of no word other than sex, so he said it. Mother was horrified and never made that suggestion again!

– Still Thankful

Dear Thankful: I may be feasting on your anecdote this year. Thank you!

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

They were engaged right before COVID and put the wedding on hold. They’ve now decided to go ahead with a small wedding; the guest list is now around 26 people.

She wanted to host it in her house, but her house is very small and she has four dogs who don’t behave.

We offered our (much larger) house and said that we would also help with the food and set-up.

Our daughter agreed on one condition – that she bring her dogs. She wants to dress them up and have them be a part of her wedding.

Her dogs are not well-behaved. They are not consistently housebroken. They bark a lot and jump on people.

These dogs have never been to our house. We have hardwood floors and new furniture. Who is going to be responsible for them?

My daughter said it’s non-negotiable, so she will have it at her place.

Her house is small. Parking and seating will be problems.

Also, my husband has lung disease, and so being in a small house with 26 people and all the dog hair and dander is unacceptable to us. My husband said he won’t be going, but hasn’t told her yet.

We said we’d pay for a reception hall, but that is also unacceptable to our daughter.

Are we wrong in not allowing the dogs at our house for the wedding?

Is she wrong for wanting the wedding at her house even though it’s small and wouldn’t be good for her father?

I’m heartbroken over this, and my daughter and I are not speaking.

Don’t get me wrong – we love dogs. But how would this be enjoyable for anyone?

– Dog Tired

Dear Dog Tired: You and your daughter are at an impasse, but if you can choose to calmly accept her choices – however harebrained you believe them to be – then it will release both of you.

Neither one of you is “wrong.”

The significant difference between you two is … it’s her wedding. She has named her dogs as her most beloved attendants. You’ve drawn the line about having the dogs in your house (smart move) and offered a number of options she deems unacceptable, and so her decision has been made.

If it would endanger your husband’s health to attend this wedding, then he should stay home. If you can bear spending a couple of hours in her home under these circumstances, you should try your best to attend, and see if you can FaceTime or set up a Zoom session for your husband to view the ceremony.

This whole thing sounds like your nightmare. (It is certainly mine.)

But it is her wedding, and if you consciously decide to stop judging and undermining her choices, you should spare yourself both the heartbreak and the tension. Everything after that is up to her.

Dear Amy: I know some people who occasionally come out with, “All I can do is be honest” when asked about something.

You already know that really means, “Brace yourself. Here comes a negative observation encased in a pejorative comment.”

When someone says that, I have taken to saying, “Oh. You’re one of those lucky ones. A whole bunch of us got sucked into believing it is more important to be polite and considerate of other people’s feelings.”

Do you think my response is rude and condescending?

It almost always embarrasses the other person who made the honesty comment.

Please be honest with me (pun intended).

– The Comeback Kid

Dear Kid: Yes, I do think your response is at the very least sarcastic, and definitely condescending.

Dear Amy: Thank you for your response to “Happy Drunk,” who drinks to excess every day and yet claims that his drinking does not harm anyone, including himself.

Wow – I had a parent like that! After a childhood of neglect, my siblings and I got to watch him die an excruciating and slow death from cirrhosis of the liver.

We weren’t so “happy.”

– Hurting

Dear Hurting: Several survivors of “happy drunks” have shared similar stories.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

They live on a gorgeous island, and several times each year we vacation together in each other’s homes. These visits usually last seven to 10 days, and during this time, we shop, talk and eat meals together. We always have a lovely time.

The problem is, I often feel the need each day to withdraw and recharge my batteries. After a full day of being social, I crave some privacy. I don’t mind my husband’s company, but I find that too much of a good thing is, well, too much.

When the visits occur in my home, it’s not too bad for me. I can retire to my room, or read a book, and I usually can have time on my own.

When we visit them, however, I feel as though they are trying too hard to dazzle me. They schedule a variety of activities, and I frequently feel obligated to participate.

I have told our friends that, going forward, I really would not mind taking a room in a hotel, or renting a private home during our visits, and sleeping there instead. I did make it seem as though I was suggesting doing so for their convenience, as I could not find the words to express my issue without sounding rude.

I do love these people dearly, but I no longer want to endure feeling drained when I know it is not necessary.

Please help.

– Seeking Friendly Solitude

Dear Seeking Solitude: I have a theory that the experience of the lengthy pandemic awakened in many the need – or desire – for more solitude.

These frequent visits with your friends are lengthy and sound like a lot of fun, but I do think it’s not only acceptable, but advisable, for you to be honest about your own needs. (Wouldn’t you accept this from your own guests? Of course you would!)

If your need to recharge would best be served by staying nearby and planning outings and meals with your hosts, then – you should do that. But be honest about your reasons.

Some people have a daily yoga practice. Others meditate at the same time each day. You should tell your hosts, “I have an inescapable need to be alone for some time each afternoon in order to recharge my batteries. I hope it’s OK with you if I schedule my alone-time for late afternoons. I don’t want to interrupt the flow, but I’ll just quietly slip away, and I want to make sure you understand my reasons.”

Dear Amy: My husband wanted to help our grandnieces and grandnephews get a good start, and so each year we have given these young adults $15,000.

I still do this, even though since my husband’s death I have not seen them or received any acknowledgment.

I’m thinking about stopping, and wonder if I’m being petty to consider this.

– Great-Aunt Betty

Dear Betty: If your husband’s goal was to help this generation of family members get a good start, then you should assume that your generous annual gift to them has done just that.

Are you obligated to continue this practice for the rest of your life, especially when you receive absolutely no encouragement or acknowledgment from the recipients?

Nope.

You should sit down with your accountant/financial adviser and review ways to put these funds toward a cause that reflects your own interests and values. There are tax implications for giving/not giving this money, so you should make sure to be fully informed.

Dear Amy: “Happy Drunk” detailed his excessive daily alcohol use and his desire to quit.

He should know that if he goes to a hospital for routine surgery or an emergency matter he should tell his physicians that he is a chronic drinker.

If the physician knows their patient is a chronic drinker, they can provide additional precautions to assure that their patient survives the procedure.

– Healthy Healthcare Worker

Dear Healthy: I was moved by this man’s honesty regarding his alcohol use. Many readers have responded with support and helpful suggestions.

Thank you for yours. I assume that some patients withhold vital information because they are embarrassed or don’t think it’s relevant, but it is vital for a medical team to know everything.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

We want to honor our classmates who have passed with a picture and obituary, and I have been helping to find those documents.

One of our classmates died by suicide a few years after graduation, I believe as a result of postpartum depression. I was saddened to hear about this. Although I did not know her personally, she was a person I admired throughout high school.

I located her obituary, and found that she left behind two young children. I searched to see if they still lived in the community, and I found her daughter on Facebook.

I wondered if my classmate’s daughter would be interested in meeting some of her mother’s friends at our class reunion next year.

If she is interested, it could be a healing moment to learn about her mother and hear how loved she was. At the same time, her daughter might have strong feelings of sadness or anger about her mother’s death.

Should I contact her to invite her to our reunion? I’m happy to drop the idea if she is reluctant in any way. I’m wondering if my idea is compassionate – or creepy.

Your opinion, please?

– J

Dear J: There is nothing creepy about including surviving family members in your reunion celebration. You seem to believe that there might be more grief or anger regarding a classmate who died by suicide, but I submit that any premature death is a deeply felt loss, and you should shed any supposition of shame or embarrassment for these survivors.

If it is at all possible, I think it would be a great idea to invite any local family members of classmates who have died (including elder surviving parents).

Dear Amy: I admit it, I’m bossy and controlling.

My husband of 30 years naturally pushes back when I pressure him too much, and I try very hard to accept that he’s an adult and is entitled to his choices if they don’t affect me. It’s taken a long time to get there, and reading your column has helped!

But he has put on a lot of weight recently and is now at an unhealthy weight, with a big waistline (not good for a 65-year-old).

I squandered my allotment of unsolicited advice years ago, but now it really matters! I hoped a recent doctor visit would bring about a realization, but evidently she said nothing to him about his weight.

I think doctors are just wary of advising people about weight these days, but he was pretty thin until 20 years ago, and has never paid attention to his weight.

I don’t know what to do now.

Any advice on how I can get him to accept that some changes need to be made?

I’ve had a heart-to-heart about how I want him around for a long time, but it didn’t result in any changes.

– Still Bossy, But Trying

Dear Bossy: According to you, your husband was “pretty thin until 20 years ago.” So his weight gain does not seem to be all that sudden (although he might have reached a new threshold recently).

You describe yourself as bossy and controlling, and while I applaud your efforts over time to change, your entire narrative is a search for ways to boss and control your husband, now. Your perspective seems to be that this would be the perfect time to offer lots of unsolicited advice to your husband, but you’ve used up your lifetime supply.

Your husband already knows he is overweight. He might in fact have discussed this with his physician – but maybe he doesn’t want to discuss it with you.

Otherwise, my instinct is that the less you worry, push and interfere, the more your husband may face the realization that he (not you) bears the responsibility for his own life and health.

Dear Amy: Many thank yous for your compassionate response to “Feeling Very Manipulative,” the American-Israeli mom who was so worried about her husband going to Israel to fight in the war. I cried when I thought about what this family was going through.

– Saddened

Dear Saddened: I found this dilemma absolutely heartbreaking.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

If you or someone you know is struggling with feelings of depression or suicidal thoughts, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline offers free, round-the-clock support, information and resources for help. Call or text the lifeline at 988, or see the 988lifeline.org website, where chat is available.

My sister and I have not been speaking to each other for quite a while. My niece (her daughter) is getting married, and I reached out to this niece, saying that if it would cause unhappiness between her and her mother by inviting me to the wedding, I would understand if she chose not to issue the invitation to me.

Well, I just found out from family members that I am not being invited, however my niece didn’t call and let me know.

I am hurt that she didn’t take the time to let me know that I would not be invited to her wedding. We have had a good relationship up until now.

My dilemma is that I am inclined not to send a gift for a wedding that I wasn’t invited to or called about. What are your thoughts?

– Feeling Hurt in the South

Dear Feeling Hurt: Let’s recap.

You anticipated this issue by graciously letting your niece know that if it would cause problems for her or her mother to invite you to her wedding, you would understand.

Your niece took you up on this offer and did not invite you.

Normally, people don’t notify those who aren’t invited to a wedding. Their attention is focused on people who are invited.

Yes, it would have been thoughtful for your niece to risk having the awkward “as you suggested, you’re not invited to the wedding” conversation with you, but this bride is simply following your suggestion.

You are already estranged from your sister. You now harbor wounded feelings toward her daughter. This is how generational estrangements are perpetuated.

I think you should reclaim the spirit of your original offer, be the bigger person, and personally congratulate your niece after the wedding has taken place.

If you don’t want to give her a gift, you should send her a warmly written note, telling her that you were thinking about her on her special day, and that you’re looking forward to reconnecting with her in order to congratulate her in person.

Dear Amy: I recently went shopping for a wedding dress with my daughter. Upon her excited exclamation of “yes to the dress,” we made our way to the purchase part of the day’s exciting shopping excursion.

Upon the swiping of the credit card, the machine prompted me to enter a 10 percent, 15 percent, 20 percent, or custom tip.

Had I been in a restaurant, this would not have given me pause. But as we went through a similar process at a previous dress shop, upon which the same amount of time and service was extended to my daughter, we did not tip the previous consultant, as no purchase was made.

My question: Is tipping on a wedding dress purchase the thing to do these days?

It was not done when my parents purchased my dress.

– Confused Mother-of-the-Bride

Dear Confused: No, there is no need to tip a sales associate. Furthermore, you might have expressed your surprise to the store manager when this prompt appeared after you’d swiped your credit card.

Getting a customer to “say yes to the dress” is the sales person’s job. They do this job whether or not they make a sale, as you point out.

Presumably, salespeople are either offered a commission on a sale, or are compensated well enough to incentivize them to provide good, helpful and enthusiastic service.

All of these costs will already have been baked into the cost of the dress.

Some grateful brides-to-be send thank you notes to the salesperson who helped them to find their perfect dress. This would be a thoughtful gesture on your daughter’s part, which might also provide an additional professional boost to the person who made the sale.

Dear Amy: “Curious” had been invited to a large wedding followed by a reception, then, a month before the wedding, received a postcard saying the ceremony would be private but the reception was still on.

I have been to at least two such wedding receptions where the couple had decided they wanted a private ceremony first, just including their immediate families. It never occurred to me to be offended; rather I felt like it reflected their intention to focus on their vows more privately.

I didn’t see a hint of trying to “shuffle the numbers.”

– Betty

Dear Betty: I agree with you about private weddings, but the concern here was that the couple had changed their plans midstream.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

She has given my husband some things that belonged to his paternal grandfather. Other than that, there has not been much contact.

Recently, out of the blue, Anne asked my husband and me to watch her 2-year-old dog (a Labrador retriever) so she could have a break and settle her husband back into their home after he had surgery.

We took the pup into our home, but at the same time I told my husband I thought it was odd that she would ask us. I’ve laid eyes on this woman twice in the 36 years I’ve been married to my husband.

The pup was very unsettled and, after two days, my husband ended up taking the dog back to Anne’s home.

A week or so later we received a thank you note, and she wrote that she was hoping we could take the pup every now and then as a favor to her.

It feels very awkward to me.

I told my husband from the start that I had a feeling she was going to use us as her dog sitter.

My husband and I have been through a lot in the past couple of years, which includes losing our only child. She was not here for us then.

This feels very wrong to me, but I’m wondering what you think?

– Dog Sitter?

Dear Dog Sitter?: I think your husband’s aunt is going to have to find another dog sitter.

No matter the underlying circumstances, no one should house someone else’s dog in their home if they don’t want to (this is not good for the dog or the humans).

And you don’t want to do this. It’s that simple.

I suggest that you respond to Anne’s heavy hint immediately, in order to head this off at the pass. Respond to her note: “We made ourselves available to watch your dog when you asked, but unfortunately, this is going to have to be a one-time favor. We just aren’t able to take this on, and we’re letting you know quickly so that you can find another dog sitter or kennel for the next time you have a need.”

Dear Amy: An acquaintance of mine from many years ago recently joined an association that I have been involved with for years.

I had known her for about a year when she abruptly stopped answering texts. I now understand what “ghosting” is, and what’s even more perplexing is that I cannot think of anything I did to cause this sudden break.

How do I deal with her now that we will most likely be working alongside each other occasionally and attending meetings?

– Ghosted

Dear Ghosted: You should deal with this person with a sense of equanimity and an attitude of politeness.

Your perspective might shift if you view her simply as someone you used to know, versus someone who rejected you through “ghosting.”

You might revive your acquaintance through your mutual work for this organization. She could take the opportunity to offer an explanation for her abrupt withdrawal – and this explanation might reveal that it had nothing to do with you.

If this explanation is not forthcoming, once you feel more comfortable with her, you could ask her what happened, and let her know that if she cut you off because of anything you did, you’d appreciate knowing about it.

Dear Amy: Regarding the woman who wouldn’t do laundry [“Wits End in Wisconsin”] but watches hours of videos on her phone, I’d like to offer that this is classic ADHD behavior.

I wish I’d gotten diagnosed much sooner, because it really would have improved my quality of life.

– A Reader in Oregon

Dear Reader: A few readers made the same observation about this person’s inability (or unwillingness) to complete an agreed-upon task in a timely manner.

I don’t feel comfortable or qualified “diagnosing” anyone from such a distance, but I do urge anyone with similar challenges to seek an evaluation.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

Instead of having a traditional flower girl, we decided to have my fiancé’s cousins (who range between the ages of 3 to 6) be the “flower gremlins.”

My family is very upset by this decision and are on the brink of cutting me out of the family.

They really wanted my 8-year-old cousin to serve as a traditional flower girl. That is what they were expecting, but they didn’t realize that my fiancé has other family members whom we wanted to be involved in our wedding.

We explained to them that, except for the ceremony duties, all my cousins will still be just as involved in our wedding as the “flower gremlins.” They will still get ready with the rest of the bridal party, get a corsage/boutonniere, and take pictures with us.

People have been cut out of the family before, and I was warned by my mom that if I don’t mend relations, then I will meet the same fate.

Overall, my fiancé and I are very hurt by their reactions and want nothing more than their love and support.

How can I mend my relationship with them?

– On the Brink

Dear On the Brink: Even though I don’t really know what a “flower gremlin” is, overall I think your idea of involving all of these children in your ceremony is quite charming.

But decisions about how to design your wedding celebration should not be about my taste – or your family’s.

If you want to dress up like Princess Leia and have the kids be little Ewok attendants, a more loving family would accept and support your choices.

Your family has a history of cutting out family members. If they would do this over something so trivial, then it might be time for you to stiffen your spine, state your very reasonable intentions and expectations, and refuse to let them manipulate and control you.

Dear Amy: My mid-30s daughter lived with a partner for 10 years. He is a horrid and manipulative man.

I accepted that as an adult she could make her own life choices, however misguided I may think they are.

As a “couple,” she and her partner attended holiday gatherings at my home.

About a year ago, I heard from my other daughters that she had become engaged to this man, although she never mentioned this to me.

Not long ago, my daughter was in a roadway accident, and she died suddenly and tragically.

Although she is gone, her former partner continues to consider himself a family member, and this is a sentiment that is shared by my late daughter’s two sisters.

I have no such feelings about him, and wish never to see him again.

Thanksgiving is coming soon, and he expects that he will share a place at our table.

I really do not want this man at the table, although I respect my other daughters’ wish to have him be a part of their lives.

How would you recommend that I communicate my sentiments to him and to my daughters?

– Grieving Dad

Dear Grieving: I’m so sorry your family is going through this. I assume that Thanksgiving will be a tough and possibly sorrowful day.

If you don’t want to share air with this horrid and manipulative man, you shouldn’t. It’s entirely your choice.

You should simply tell your daughters that they can associate with anyone they want to, but “I won’t spend any time with this guy – not at my home or elsewhere. It’s that simple.”

Dear Amy: I recently received a baby shower invitation that had several “requests,” one of which is: “Mom and Dad have worked so hard on the registry, please do not stray if you choose to bring a gift that day!”

This effectively prohibits many types of gifts, including handmade items or gifts traditionally given by our family.

What should I do? Pick a gift I don’t want to give? Decline the invitation and not go? Take a gift of my choosing regardless of this request?

– Baffled in the Burbs

Dear Baffled: If you choose to attend, I think you should respect the wishes of the parents, however banal.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

There has been much talk about the wedding, with several wedding-related conversations in the presence of my 12-year-old daughter. In front of the family, I told my daughter that we could get her a beautiful dress to wear to the wedding. We then bought a dress.

Then the wedding invitation arrived in the mail: No children allowed!

I was completely devastated – to say the least.

Then, I found out that there are children attending the wedding, but they have to be over the age of 15.

My daughter was really upset when I told her that she wasn’t invited to the wedding. I feel that the family should have taken me aside in advance to let me know she was excluded.

I declined going to the wedding due to my daughter’s disappointment.

My husband plans to attend the wedding without me. He said that he is going because his mother would be upset if he stayed home.

I am angry, hurt and upset that he has chosen his family over his daughter.

My question is, am I wrong for feeling this way?

– Angry and Hurt

Dear Angry: I won’t say that your feelings are “wrong” so much as overabundant.

So. Much. Devastation.

Mom – get a grip!

Let’s put your feelings aside and focus on your behavior, as well as the lessons you are passing along to your daughter.

Essentially, you are teaching her that disappointment is actually devastation, and the way to cope with devastation is to insist that everyone around you must demonstrate their solidarity by also being devastated. Then everybody stays home, sulking.

Yes, the bride could have handled this differently.

But the good news to pass along to your daughter is that she won’t always be 12. She will age out of these social exclusions and mature enough to handle her disappointments with a sense of balance.

And now … will you?

Dear Amy: For the past 10 years, my husband, adult son and I have hosted Thanksgiving dinner.

My parents are divorced, and in recent years we have invited my step-siblings and their families, which adds a possible 14 guests to our feast. We love them and want our kids to have good holiday memories.

The problem is that several of them don’t RSVP until just before/on Thanksgiving Day (and when they do, the answer is always “no”) after we have prepared food for them all. The last event they were invited to (our son’s birthday), those that don’t attend Thanksgiving didn’t even bother RSVP-ing.

I am considering not even inviting them this year since A) they never come and B) they stress us out with their last-minute “no.”

Also, the two families that don’t show up at our events never invite us to any of their events, so I assume that our desire to be closer is not mutual.

Should we keep inviting them, or take the hint that they aren’t really interested?

– Tired of Guessing, Stressing and Overspending

Dear Tired: I think you should invite these family members this year, and assume that – as usual – they will not accept.

Contact them the week before Thanksgiving to follow-up, saying something like, “I’m assuming that we won’t see you for Thanksgiving this year, but I just wanted to follow through on our invitation. We’d love to see you, so please let us know today if you can make it.”

If by some unlikely Thanksgiving miracle they do accept your invitation this year, ask these family members to contribute one of their favorite dishes to your feast. This may give them more of a stake in the outcome.

Given that you are related through divorce, your stepsiblings might feel obligated to spend Thanksgiving with their “other” parent or in-laws, but this does not excuse their rudeness in not letting you know.

Dear Amy: “Feels Betrayed” had to skip a planned cruise after receiving a cancer diagnosis. In addition to the awkward situation with their cruising buddy, this person also lost out on a substantial deposit.

I urge people to consider purchasing travel insurance, along with their cruising ticket. Insurance helped me to recover my deposit when I had to cancel due to COVID.

– Recovered

Dear Recovered: An excellent suggestion. Thank you.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

I work in an office in which I consider two people genuine friends, but the others are honestly very gossipy. They are nice to your face, but not behind your back. I basically don’t trust them.

The trouble is, being in a small community it is difficult to invite some and not all, as word gets out.

To avoid an awkward situation, I have generally held the policy that I don’t invite any coworkers with whom I work directly, but I honestly would like to invite the two whom I do consider friends.

How would you advise me to handle this? The situation stresses me out enough that I have considered not hosting anything at all.

– A Sensitive Social Butterfly

Dear Sensitive: It’s normal to have friends at work, but you should make sure to handle these friendships (and any social invitations) extremely discreetly while at the office.

Invite these two friends (issue the invitation outside of the office) and ask them not to discuss the event at work.

Dear Amy: Eight months ago, I ran into an old flame.

We had a three-year relationship that ended 10 years ago. We did not stay in touch after our breakup, and we both moved on with other people for longer relationships. We each broke up with our partners in 2022.

We have been seeing each other regularly and talking or texting every day since then. It has been great! We have both matured. Our relationship is easygoing, fun and mutually respectful.

However, there have been two periods over these past months where he has been upset with a situation unrelated to me.

The first time, I knew he was upset, but without warning he did not contact me for five days. I was upset and annoyed by this.

I asked him to be better at communicating with me when he feels this way. We have generally been communicating in a healthy way since restarting our relationship.

Last week he received bad news about his job and became very stressed. He verbalized a need for space, which I understand and respect. I stated that I would like him to check in once a day with me.

He has checked in, in a very sweet way, but it is only a few texts each day! He is not updating me on how he feels or asking me how I am doing during these brief exchanges.

I do want him to have space, but after a week of this, I definitely want to return to normal communication.

Should I say something to him, or should I give this more time, since he is doing what I asked him to do?

How long is too long?

– Impatient Ida

Dear Impatient: Your guy is following your instructions, which tells you that he has some awareness of your needs, and that he wants to please you.

And while you asked him to check in “once a day,” he is checking in several times a day, and yet his texts don’t contain the wording or content you would prefer.

You have every right to own your honest preferences and reactions, but … do you really want to be in charge of how he processes and expresses his own needs?

You have identified an extremely important issue regarding how you two relate. His reaction to stress is to withdraw. Your instinct is to share.

I think you should approach this current phase with an open attitude.

Let him take however long it takes for him to process his stress.

Intimacy really does require that partners be honest about their vulnerabilities and needs. This is an essential component of the trust that intimate partners share.

Dear Amy: Thank you for your response to “Frustrated Volunteer,” whose fellow volunteer altered original photos without the photographer’s permission.

I appreciate you standing up for the rights of creative people to protect the integrity of their original work.

– Fellow Photographer

Dear Photographer: Editing tools have made it possible to essentially steal the original work of creative people, alter it, and violate the copyright of the creator.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

The main reason is that I do not want to hurt or offend my dear, sweet 87-year-old next-door neighbor, “Ruth.”

She is one of the kindest people on the planet, tends to her church and all of her elderly friends, and is generous in every way.

While barely able to walk easily without a cane, she still kindly brings my paper to my front door each morning.

But instead of lightly dropping it on my front steps, she powerfully flings the entire rolled-up paper, which (nine times out of 10) slams hard against the front door and wakes me up with a loud bang!

I know it would hurt her to think that she is waking me, as well as banging up the wood on the front door!

Do you have a kind and gentle solution to this dilemma?

– Concerned Neighbor

Dear Concerned: I don’t want to diminish your problem, but frankly, this seems like such a quaint concern that I suggest that you should embrace the entire experience.

The rolled-up newspaper, flung by mighty Ruth: Both have a limited future, and I think that one day you’ll find yourself longing for the sound of the morning’s thud.

Dear Amy: When I was a child, my mother was abusive. She’d threaten to send me away (I’m adopted, and therefore I believed her), she’d slap me across the face or hit me with a wooden spoon in a rage, and she constantly gave me the silent treatment without explanation – sometimes for days.

I don’t think my younger brother (who really misbehaved, and yet could do no wrong) got any of that.

It wasn’t horrific child abuse – there were no physical scars – but it shaped me and I’m still angry about it.

I am now 50, and she’s 75. We get along OK, although I still walk on eggshells around her.

I tried to talk about it with her one time, a few years back. She got angry, said I was exaggerating, and then blamed me for whatever had happened: “You were miserable to be around, you know.”

She said that I am “living in the past” and that it’s not healthy.

Is she right?

I just want to make it clear to her that what happened wasn’t OK – and that these things that happened were not in my imagination.

Is there any point in trying to do that?

– Sad

Dear Sad: Yes, there is definitely a reason to review the events of your childhood. However, is your mother the best person to do this with? Probably not.

Of course she doesn’t want to talk with you about her abusive treatment!

There is also a high probability that if you seek her out for a walk or two down memory lane, she will continue to gaslight you into believing that the events of your own life happened mainly in your imagination – or that you somehow deserved her abuse.

Therapy could help you to untangle and decode your memories of childhood. My own take is that you have been conditioned to diminish your own psychic wounds (“it wasn’t horrific child abuse”); frankly, in addition to the physical abuse you endured, I cannot imagine a deeper cut than to threaten to send an adopted child away. I sense also that you do not want to see yourself as a victim. So let’s put you into the “survivor” category.

I think you should write down those things you would like to say to your mother, and imagine the outcome (for you) if she reacts in the expected way and does not acknowledge or apologize for her behavior. Based on what you know about her, you may decide to send your letter, anyway – if only to have your own say regarding your past.

Dear Amy: Your advice to “Go For It or Not” struck a chord.

H.W. and I met as teenagers and dated off and on through high school and college and after my divorce. The timing wasn’t right, so we went our separate ways.

Forty years later, we were both suddenly single and he wrote to me.

We are now enjoying our golden years together and loving every minute!

– A.L.

Dear A.L.: I love your happy ending. Thank you.

You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.